You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
