Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
