I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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