Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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