nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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