you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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