I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
