Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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