So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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