dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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