The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
