5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
