just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
