there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
