wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
