Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
