mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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