She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
