3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it glows. i had to have it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
