bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
