Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
