I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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