Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
