So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
why do cheetos always look like penises
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
