you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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