it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
