I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
