i would punch a child for taco bell
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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