with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
