all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
