Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
