And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
