If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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