dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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