I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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