Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
