I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
