new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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