I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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