I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
two words...techno handjob
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
