my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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