i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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