just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just found puke in my bra..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Found the puke drawer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ok first of all what the fuck
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
