I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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