Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
