The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
