Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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