if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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