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i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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