respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
