Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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